The ADHD Mother
If you are an ADHD parent and feel like you are constantly fighting for your child… Just know, it’s completely normal to feel that way. Everyone I have spoken to as part of my PhD research said exactly that, you are not alone.
Being a parent of an ADHD child is exhausting, it’s draining, it’s entirely all-consuming, it affects everything about everything. Pre & post diagnosis, you’re fighting schools, healthcare systems and CYPS/CAHMS; for diagnosis, for recognition, for support, for your child’s rights. Not only is this a shared experience, but the research shows that that is a true and consistent experience for the overwhelming majority of ADHD parents. One mum compared it to the Krypton Factor…
You’re spinning hundreds of plates, while walking a tightrope. For basic healthcare provision.
Although all parents of ADHD children have difficulties, research suggests that mothers bare the brunt of these challenges. Mothers have to conceptualise themselves when ADHD is in their world. My research has shown that generally parents of ADHD children fall into one of these categories…
The Good, Heroic & Valiant Mother
ADHD mums consistently feel the need to prove to themselves and those around them that they are a good mother. That they aren’t “responsible” for their children’s difficulties in some way. Most mums feel this way, however mothers of Neurodivergent children, are regularly told by others and by society that they need to “be better”. But how can a mum fight against this onslaught against their mothering capacity? They fight! Fight for their children, fight for provision, fight CAHMS, fight schools. They prove to everyone around them that they ARE good mothers. They sacrifice so much for their children, with many of them changing their jobs or even leaving the workforce due to the increased caring demands of their neurodivergent children. They learn as much as they possibly can. They read books and blogs (very much like this one!), watch endless YouTube videos, and go to informative talks on ADHD in the hopes that when discussing their child’s needs with healthcare professionals they are taken more seriously. However, not all ADHD mothers have this pleasant experience.
The Guilty, Broken & Fragile Mother
These ADHD mums often talk about having consistent feelings of overwhelming guilt, blame and shame. Not because they have a child with ADHD, but actually due to the ADHD diagnostic journey itself. One of the reasons for this is because during the journey you will learn that ADHD is hereditary, and a child is 80% more likely to have ADHD or be Neurodivergent if a parent also falls into those categories. This means some mums blame themselves for ‘giving’ their child ADHD. But this isn’t all, these mums are often blamed and shamed by others, leading to a massive emotional toll. This can cause the mother, or any parent, to lose their individual identity as a person. You become The Guilty Mother Who Tries Her Best, But Is Told It Isn’t Enough.
The Informed or Insider Mother
The Informed Mother learns about the ADHD system, they read legislation, they attend the workshops and webinars, they join the groups, they read the books, they’re watching Russell Barkley’s lectures and attending public events such as my Navigating Neurodiversity in a Neurotypical World SEED Talk. They study every aspect of the system and how it works, so that they can be more effective within that system that they are fighting against. They’re the parents who know someone who knows someone, or might be a healthcare professional themselves, so they get better at using the language of ADHD, and they use that in the hopes of getting appropriate treatment. Often these mothers show a lack of faith in the healthcare system and prefer private assessments. These mothers use words like disability to remind professionals that ADHD is an equality act issue, not something to be swept under the rug.
The Informed & Insider Father
Unfortunately, research into ADHD fathers is very limited, with trailblazers such as Ilena Singh doing some amazing work. What a lot of the research about ADHD dads shows is that dads solve problems. Most of the dads involved in the research don’t interact with the Guilty/Fighting to be Good/Insider narratives. The ADHD doesn’t appear to impact on their personal identity as much. They’re also less likely to believe a diagnosis is necessary, and more likely to brush some things off as ‘Oh he’s just like me when I was a kid’ or ‘boys will be boys’. But remember, ADHD is hereditary, so they may well just be providing more evidence that the child does, in fact, have ADHD as we hold up the mirror to dad and the realisation dawns that he may be neurodivergent also. I’ve seen it myself when delivering workshops on Parenting & ADHD that dads do not show up in the same numbers that mums do, and we need to work out how to bring them into the conversation more because dads are just as important as mums in creating an environment where children can thrive & flourish. The more we can include dads in the ADHD discussion, the more we can relive the burden on mums!
Of course this is just a snippet of a much larger piece of research. There is so much more we know and can learn about raising an ADHD child to allow them to be their best selves.
The research is heavily weighted towards female parents, mothers. However, I’m very interested in learning more about the male experience of parenting an ADHD child as well. Be sure to check back as I’ll update this blog with any findings along the way.
Additionally, I’ve got an exciting PhD study coming up soon on the experiences of LGBTQ+ parents of ADHD children as there’s even less research in that area. Hopefully the successful student will further stark truths about ADHD and parenting.
I regularly deliver talks & workshops on parenting ADHD children, as well as working with schools & healthcare settings. Follow me on Instagram so you can be kept up to date on any upcoming events, and if you think your child’s school, or your workplace, could benefit from some ADHD training please drop me a message.
Dr Tom Nicholson